Blue Star

Maxed Out
Scott Sullivan
Sorry, Shin, but my best hope for being surrounded by swimsuit models like the 23-year-olds in commercials who drive Mercedes and wear designer clothes is to buy bacon-scented underwear. That’s right: J&D Foods Inc. has introduced men’s and women’s briefs that are “like a hot frying pan in your pants.”

“Life is difficult,” wrote M. Scott Peck in his 1978 bestseller “The Road Less Traveled.” The psychiatrist-author prescribed being disciplined, responsible, dedicated to truth and grace as an antidote.

I was 23 then, the age ads suggest we should all aspire to be. I was part of a demographic older communities wish to woo to spend money, energize volunteer and work forces, raise kids to populate their schools and otherwise do as their elders tell them. Were you ready for any of that at age 23? Not me.

Not that being 60 is any better. “Did you know,” asks “MAX Workouts” author Shin Ohtake, “that after age 35 your body hormonally changes and you start to gain weight easier? Not only that, you also begin to lose lean muscle tone, making you weaker and flabbier?”

Exercising more and being even more strict with my diet, Shin says, only adds to my frustration. This can be blamed on my diminishing levels of youth-enhancing testosterone and human growth hormones. And unfortunately it’s largely a natural process that occurs as I age.

Why go on living? Because there’s hope I can counter what’s trapped me inside my dumpy and shapeless body. Even better, Shin says, to do so I must stay away from cardio workouts, ab exercises and not sleeping. No problem. If The Boss weren’t here, I’d start snoozing now.

But I’ll have to do more than refrain from things I’m not doing anyway to get lean, ripped and younger looking.

For full story, pick up a copy of the Dec. 10 Commercial Record or subscribe to the e-edition.

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