Blue Star

Crime and Reason
Scott Sullivan
“Yes!” I thought. What John Wayne Gacy did for Chicago and Jeffrey Dahmer for Milwaukee at last has a peer in Michigan. A story Geraldo Rivera, or some other journalist of his stature, could sink his teeth into. But no, police found no human evidence. I should thank people who disillusion me. Why do I want to live in illusion? Things began to go downhill when I, inspired by the com-ics that are still the founda-tion of my thinking, was trying to decide on a college major. Liberal arts classes had more coeds, but Dad insisted I study something practical, like a science. He was impressed when I picked scatology but Mom was an English teacher. So much for my crack at Geraldo-like future fame.

They don’t make criminal masterminds like they used to. The comics I read growing up pitted evil geniuses bent on ruling the world vs. virtuous, far-less-interesting superheroes.

Actual crooks have proven a real letdown. A woman shoots up a McDonald’s after not getting bacon on her burger. A guy threatens girlfriend with a sword. A bedridden 650-pound guy phones in a bomb threat because he’s mad at his landlord ...

I thought things couldn’t get worse when a friend said, “Cheer up. Of course they can!” A 500-pound pig, he said, had been found in a Detroit basement two feet deep with excrement. The beast’s now-dead owner had fed it human remains, he’d heard.

For full story, pick up a copy of the July 9 Commercial Record or subscribe to the e-edition.

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